Not long ago, I was expressing anger and frustration that I had interviewed for a job but had not received any communication afterward even though I emailed to ask whether I’d been rejected or not. Turns out I did get a response only a couple hours after I sent my email but it had gone into my spam folder. I only found it while looking for another email that I should have received, THANKFULLY! I have been conditionally offered some work, possibly temporary, possibly more long term, to start around the end of the year. They are still in the planning stage re that post, but I have even been invited to take part in the discussions that would shape the position. Knowing that I have some work lined up, even a bit of freelance or temporary work, has taken a weight off my shoulders. It’s not like I thought I would starve or anything—I’ve completely rearranged my finances in order to be able to go a few months with no income—but I guess the fear of failure and/or the unknown was eating away at me.
I also have an incident of magical thinking, to use JC’s term, to report on. It’s my first, in fact. Or at least the first instance that really brought to light just how brainwashed a lot of people are in academia. I told this person confidentially that I was leaving. We had worked together on a big collaborative project that was riddled with problems—the one that (it turns out) will be the last paid academic research I will do, probably ever. He/she is significantly younger than me and has a lot less experience, but this did not stop him/her from responding by giving me all sorts of career advice and trashing one of the contributors (eg, ‘don’t let that person ruin it for you, they’re just a bad egg’). The career advice was banal, hardy anything I hadn’t thought of myself (c’mon, I’m leaving a career I’ve spent years striving to succeed in . . . would I not consider every option for making it work . . . ?), but the comments about the contributor had more truth to them since that contributor had made our lives miserable.
What was really bizarre were this colleague’s comments about how much fame and glory this project was going to bring me. Wow. He/she could not be further off the mark. This project is not the type that will be reviewed and I highly doubt there will be any communication between me and the audience for it. I’ve done projects just like this before—and no one takes note apart from one or two mentions at conferences (eg, ‘Really enjoyed your piece on . . .’). Yes, you might get cited in a couple publications, but other than that, not much ever happens after you complete a big project of this type. It pretty much immediately occurred to me that this was exactly the magical thinking that’s been dished out to lots of other post-academic bloggers (ie, the disbelief that you actually mean it when you say you’re leaving, just one more round on the job market, just one more article). This was the first time I really felt like the person I was communicating with really just didn’t get it, like there was a huge gulf between us and I wasn’t going to be able to bridge it. So I started wondering why I had had so much less of this type of reaction than other bloggers. Maybe my colleagues think I’m shit and I should have given up long ago. (Ha ha! Just kidding!)
I’m pretty certain it’s down to experience. Most people, academic colleagues and others, have not questioned my decision to leave. They’ve experienced the realities of the profession themselves or they’ve seen how much I’ve struggled (with underpaid temporary work, demanding teaching and research deadlines, and difficult if not downright vicious colleagues). No one who’s gotten a taste of this would question a decision to leave. In addition, I’ve seen what the profession can make people into. Back to the trashed contributor: whilst that person had behaved really badly, I’ve seen that type of arrogant lack of dedication to a contracted project before. It’s nothing unusual, in fact. Worse, I have known that person for years and I watched him/her transform from a really kind, sensitive person, whose primary fault was giving people the benefit of the doubt too much, into a self-centred brat who is entitled to everything but owes nothing to others. He/she resents if not openly hates all his/her colleagues and students and now has little to no interest in research, hence the bad behaviour re the collaborative project. He/she never had a lot of confidence or coping ability, but the decline in this person’s mental health and well-being is common. People get the measure of what matters in an institution, take it to heart that it’s not them, their research or their teaching, and get stuck into the power games that supposedly lead up the greasy pole. Back-stabbing and bitterness take over. The once lovely person becomes a nasty piece of work.
I do not want this for myself and I will not have it.
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A note on the new look: Getting some work at least partially secured and finishing my last research tasks have made me feel like I’ve turned a corner. So I’ve set up a new look to my blog, one that features a place I would rather be and could potentially move to now that I’m not tied to an immovable academic job (or soon won’t be). It’s not really related to academia, I know, but I’m not going to be related to academia for much longer.
Good for you Anti-Ac! You saw the problem and did something about it and now you’re going places! You should be very proud of your ability to move on from something that doesn’t work for you. This very action takes much more strength than people give it credit for.
Your description of the magical thinking (just another paper,another conference, another hiring season) reminds me of a parallel idea I could see in the world of ballroom dancing. The infamous carrot in the world of even low level competitive dance was a pursuit of “glamour” which is something you cannot touch, no matter how hard you try. For many, that was to the tune of thousands of dollars. Academia reminds me of something similar. High cost, high egos, and excessive time and dedication towards something that costs you financially, emotionally, and psychologically but yet has some power to keep you coming back for more until you reason your way out of it.
My goal is go for UN-sexy jobs. Jobs that don’t have tons of glamour and hope attached to them. Every day type stuff that quietly supports the world. You know, the “boring” things. Sometimes I feel like this could be the alternative universe I’ve been hoping for all along. I hope your new position leads you to great things and a much happier life. I am starting my own “post ac” job search this week. You have given me some hope.
I also really like your discussion, well description of magical thinking. It summed up a portrayal of a group of academics in a film that I just saw. The academics were in a conference which was the background but I’ll not go on about it. …but what connected it to your description was that the junior academics were fawning on senior academics and the feeling that one gained was just awful.. that the entire process was about how close to power each academic thought they were. The irony was that none of them had any power and could be carted off by the intelligence services any time. It was an excellent portrayal of what’s happening in the academic world..people desperate for power, prestige and glamour that’s not actually there in reality with enourmous costs for those involved. One has to ask oneself, what’s the point??
Yes, what’s the point? When I stopped having answers to that question, I knew it was time to go. For me, it was always about the pleasure of research and writing it up (rather than status or power) but once I cleared my desk of all my publication projects I didn’t have any more compelling reasons to continue to put up with the bullshit. Have to admit, I’m dying to know what the movie is, Anthea . .